I Want To Hold You
by Procrastinator17
Summary: A drabble about Kano's thoughts, feelings, and a theory about why he teases Kido so much.


When we were little, the only way I could comfort you was to hold you. To hold your hand as we walked, to hug you when you cried, to sleep close to you when you were cold. Back then, it was the only way to keep you from disappearing. Back then, I had an excuse to tell you how much I liked you, and hold you as much as I liked.

But things are different now. We grew older, and you stopped letting me hold you. We faced hard times, and you cried so much. But I could no longer help you. Then again, I couldn't even help myself. By then, I was beginning to drown in my mind. My disgusting, untrustworthy, lie-filled mind. With each fib, my head bobbed under the pitch-black sea of lies. I no longer knew what was a lie and what was the truth.

You could see it, too. The mask I put up to hide my face. The lies that threatened or helped the people around me. You hated them almost as much as I did. So you decided you wouldn't let me, or my lies, near you. You blocked out my deceiving voice with music, and made it so you wouldn't have to look at my fake grin by wearing that hood all the time, and covering your pretty face with long bangs.

So, I decided I wouldn't touch you anymore. I _couldn't_ touch you anymore. I decided that, as long as my mind was filled with those filthy, horrid lies, just waiting to escape through my lips, I would leave you alone.

But… who was I kidding? I liked you to much to stay away. To let you be happy. Although I tried to fight it, my body moved on its own sometimes, and I was drawn to you. But, I would _not _let myself touch you. I was too filthy.

The Monster inside of me, however, was far more clever than that. I said to me, "But, what if you make _her _touch _you_?" I began teasing you, making fun of your cute mistakes, verbally poking and prodding you, until your violent side would surface, and you yourself would reach out and hit me. The more I teased you, and joked around, the more you would hit me.

I would make a show of it. I would keel over, fly back, fall to my knees, shout in pain. But I actually savored every punch, kick, pinch, and elbow that dug into my side. It hurt, but I was used to it. After all, I received this sort of punishment all the time from Mom. Call me insane, but I was just desperate. If those could be considered as different things.

In a way, your violence served another purpose than the sick, twisted, physical satisfaction it gave me. It was, as I said before, just like the punishment I received as a child. Being hit for every lie and trick I couldn't control would allow myself to somehow forgive those deceptions, and I would tell myself, "Hey, you were punished for it, right? Surely it's okay to say one more little lie!"

…

But, with each day that passes, spent in the same way as the last—teasing you and the others, and falsely approving of my lies—I realize that I'm running out of time. Even if I find a way to hold onto my sanity, and survive the Monster inside me, we'll eventually grow older, and go our separate ways. If I don't tell you the truth, if I don't tell you how I feel about you, honestly…

I'm going to lose you.

The one thing that means anything to me.

I don't want that. I want to hold you, and comfort you, and be there with you for every hardship you may face. I want to hold your hand, and cuddle with you, and wipe away your tears when you cry.

But, with thoughts like that, the only person I am deceiving is myself. I'm a monster, just like the one inside me. I'm dirty, and hideous, and nasty, and a complete, utter wreck. Thinking someone like me could be with someone like you is selfish and egotistical on my part.

All I can do is apologize.

So, I'm sorry.

* * *

_**A/N:**_

_**Ah, the feels ;-; Did I seriously just post this on Kido's birthday?!**_

_**This is what happens when you give me Yobanashi Deceive, Kano theories, and an abundance of KanoKido fan comics. I'm sorry… *goes to a dark corner to cry***_


End file.
